Tigers & the World's Finest Citrus

Roger Wimpleflat* is a variation on the earlier theory, concerning houspets, since Roger's fetish creature is the Bengal Tiger. Roger, a sweet, mild mannered young man has plastered his walls with posters of tigers, some being white, but mostly of the pumpkin coloration. Roger looks a lot like a blond Tom Cruise, but he ruins it by wearing shirts with a single wolf howling at the enormous full moon, or a humpback whale cresting, all depicted in that soft-lens look that suggests internally gooeyness. Roger is also essentially asexual.

Except in his private conception of himself: the lone tiger. Stalking the forest floor, I slink where few others dare to tread. Critters scamper wildly at my approach, because I am absolutely lethal, baby. And for all my muscle and razor-sharp claws & teeth, I've still got class. I'm sleek. I'm no lunky lion, no siree. I can frickin climb trees. So watch out.

In Thailand, a Buddhist monastery has been rescuing Bengal Tigers who've been kept inhumanely as pets. A similar refuge exists just outside of Bloomington. An important difference: at the Thai monastery, everyone believes in reincarnation, whereas here, the only believers stand out from the crowd like Dikembe Mutombo at a Klan rally. Here belief in reincarnation promotes a wind-tossed unkempt hair look and flimsy dresses that look as though they are equally well-suited to use as a dorm wall decoration.

But in Thailand, the Buddhists wear orange, likely the most brilliant color scheme of any religion. And no hair. This aesthetic is based on the world's finest citrus, the orange. But while the reporters interviewed the head monk, he explained that caring for thie tigers is no different than caring for people, since their souls and ours may take any shape and form before reaching that rock band from Seattle. The truly marvelous moment came as they discussed his relationship with the tigers, some of whom were identified as divas, loners, bullies, and so forth.

Reporter: And can you read their body language to understand how they feel?
Head Monk: Yes, and I also read their thoughts.
Reporter: You know what they are thinking in their minds?
Head Monk: Yes, and they read my thoughts also.

Which leaves me to wonder, what if he's right? What if the tigers have been reaching out to us for all this time and we've turned a deaf ear? Or worse yet, what if their only contact in America is Roger Wimpleflat*? What has he been telling the tigers about me? I can only hope they've learned not to put too much faith in the thoughts of somebody who wears shirts featuring wolves and whales.

*name changed to protect the innocent